Where is my Holy Army of Squirrels?
I’ve been seeing numerous stories about aggressive squirrels lately and it got me thinking…why isn’t the military actively recruiting the little bastards?
Since squirrels are apparently quite fierce it makes sense to me to use them in place of human soldiers. It would be simple and cheap. We’d pay some farmers that have a bit of spare land to raise huge bumper crops of squirrels and when they were mature enough to go to war their breeding grounds would become their Elite Training Facilities. It would be just like Boot Camp except the squirrel soldiers wouldn’t have to leave home to learn how to kill for democracy.
Why should the US spend billions of dollars training and outfitting humans when they could do it for a fraction of the price with squirrels? The training would be fairly easy as the only thing they would have to learn would be to not attack somebody that has white-ish skin. There would be some mistakes but that’s called Collateral Damage in this business and it is to be expected. As far as protective gear, one human soldier’s uniform could provide enough material for at least thirty squirrel uniforms and there would still be some left over to add snazzy pockets and possibly helmet straps as well. Ping-Pong balls could be used as helmets, they go for about $14.00 per 144 which means that, by cutting the balls in half, you could provide helmets for 288 squirrels at the cost of about a nickel per solder. That’s far cheaper than the helmets our human soldiers wear. Check out the cover of Beverly Cleary’s The Mouse and the Motorcycle to get an idea of how this would work.
You wouldn’t actually have to provide firearms to the squirrels (we just keep saving money!) as they seem to do quite well with their claws and acorns, plus there is the added benefit that they could spread rabies and The Plague while they’re busy scratching out the eyes of Evil Doers. The only thing funnier than watching somebody worship a non-christian god is to see that person foaming at the mouth while doing so.
Soldiers must eat while in the battlefield and we would definitely feed our squirrel soldiers. We’d give them all the walnuts they could possibly want…I guess McCain is going to have to get involved in this at some point but based on some of his previous actions I think there’s a good chance that he already is. Regardless, walnuts are extremely cheap compared to MREs and they don’t require Tobasco Brand Sauce to make them palatable.
So the next time you are in the park or your yard and you see the flash of a bushy tail, just think that the cute little thing you just saw might actually be an assassin on a mission from God. Grab your children and run indoors if you know what’s good for you.
May 15th, 2007 at 8:39 pm
I’m engaged in constant combat with squirrels.
I came back after a long weekend and sat in my favorite chair. I felt a strange wind on my neck. Turned around and saw a gaping hole in the AC and a furry tailed squirrel staring at me.
Turn these fuckers loose I say. They’ll fuck up some turrist’