As Christmas draws near (I’m no authority on other holidays that take place this time of year…) you can see panic in the scrubbed faces of young men, at least those young men that are lucky enough to have some sort of companionship with whom to share the damn season with.
I see these poor chaps scurry around looking for the perfect gift and never finding anything appropriate, always coming out of stores mouthing the word ‘fuck’ and tilting their heads back a bit so as to take in the signage of other stores in the area that they will soon be walking in.
Fear not gentleman! I have a handy list that will get you through this Christmas season (and probably the next few if you don’t go hog-wild this time by getting her everything on the list). I must confess that this list is geared for the young man that has a young lady…so if you’re a young man with a young man or and old man with an old lady or some other setup that is too complicated to explain then I can’t say for sure that this list will help you. The young men with young ladies are going to get laid though, guaranteed. And now, in no particular order, the list:
1. Chocolate. Most ladies love chocolate. If your lady doesn’t like chocolate then she’s already told you and you should think about dating someone else. If your lady is a normal lady then she loves chocolate and you can’t go wrong with some Champagne Truffles made by Teuscher. These damn chocolates are DELICIOUS. And Swiss. Teuscher makes other fine chocolates if champagne ain’t her thing but I don’t know any ladies that don’t like champagne. Teuscher has a few stores in North America but you can order online and have ‘em shipped.
2. Champagne. Let’s face it, champagne is panty remover in a bottle, especially if it’s the real stuff. Stay away from Korbel. Or any other brand that is in your grocer’s refrigerator. Go to a wine store and tell them what your budget is. Get something that’s French if possible, otherwise she’ll see the words ’sparkling wine’ and will smile a tight-lipped smile while she has a glass and then she’ll quietly excuse herself and throw it up in the bathroom. Some strawberries are a nice touch. It’ll make her feel like the woman in “Pretty Woman.”
3. Slippers. Ladies love to have warm feet and they like to wear slippers. Very comfortable slippers.
Alpaca is very soft and Alpacas are not endangered. The alpacas is a south American animal that is very similar to a llama. The fleece is very similar to wool except that it’s softer, silkier, and sexier. She might get really turned on by having slippers made of some sort of endangered animal but I’m not too hip when it comes to that department. I say stick with alpaca. If she asks you if it’s real fur you’d better be truthful. The one thing that ladies cannot abide is lying and trust me, they will find out that you lied.
4. Gift certificate. If you’re going to give her a gift certificate it had better be for Sephora, Macy’s, or The Body Shop. And it better be loaded with a ridiculous amount of cash. Here’s the thing, ladies LOVE stuff like makeup and shampoo and scented oils and other such crap but you probably have no idea what your lady uses. If you get her Maybelline and she uses Lancom you better be a fast runner. Besides, actually giving her makeup says something like, “I think you’re ugly, change your face.” Buuut, if she has the opportunity (she’ll make one) to spend a ridiculous amount of cash in her favorite stores then you don’t have anything to worry about. To make this present extra special you should volunteer to take her AND offer to hold her purse while she shops. I know it pains you to read that last sentence but it’s absolutely necessary if you want to get away with giving her a gift cert. Hopefully she’s the type of lady that doesn’t want your dorky ass hanging around while she shops and she’ll decline. She’ll remember how thoughtful you are though.
5. Jewelry. Ah, the dreaded J word. You knew it was going to show it’s ugly head and here it is. Guys, ladies go ape-shit for jewelry, especially if it’s not ugly. You’re a guy and you probably don’t know which jewelry is ugly and which is classy and nice. Here’s a tip: go to Tiffany’s. Yep. Tiffany’s. I know of no other effective panty remover than that little blue bag. Here’s the secret to Tiffany’s…you don’t have to spend thousands of dollars to have her worship you like the god you think you are. Go to where they have the earrings and ask to see the ‘tear drop’ earrings. These little babies are your ticket to, well, whatever you need a ticket for. The tear drops still get a little blue leather bag to be stored in, the same bag that the million dollar diamond kind comes in and they only cost around a hundred bucks. And it still gets that blue paper bag to be carried in. Keep this bag! Make sure you don’t wrap the bag or anything, just give it to her as is. Her eyes will be as big as her face and you probably won’t be able to walk for a week when she’s done with you.
5a. Jewelry. Not everyone can afford a hundred bucks at Tiffany & Co. No problem, get her this awesome pearl necklace. This necklace has got to be the best damn bang for your buck that I’ve ever seen. I know it sounds weird with the whole ‘potato’ thing in there but trust me, this necklace is a champ and you get matching earrings as well! It comes in a nice little box and has a velvet-like bag for storing the necklace in. I’ve given a few of these out already and will no doubt be giving a few more.
Well, that’s the list. I hope others find it helpful in their shopping this season. I’ve had very successful gift-giving sessions with all of the above. Happy Shopping Season!
